if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
