Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
