How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
