are you still at the devil's house?
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
