I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
