ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
