I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
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