He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
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