Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
