I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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