I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
