Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
