What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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