I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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