I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
