what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
