i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
