Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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