just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
