WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
