I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
