shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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