Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
