Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
