genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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