I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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