he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
