Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
