theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
