Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
