I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
