i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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