Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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