Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
