Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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