I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
she woke up with a sticky ear
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
