FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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