Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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