I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
