My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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