I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
