Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
