I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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