conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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