Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
