I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
