I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
