You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
