i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
