my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
